Cameron's Closet (1988)

"Pray the door remains locked to... Cameron's Closet"

Not many low-budget horror films could ever truly live up to their incredible box art. It was the distributors chance to duke it out with more popular titles on the video shelf, and if you had no big names or faces to plaster across your over-sized box, then coming up with some eye popping art was the way to go. Hey, you gotta hype your own product, right? Occasionally they may have over-shot the mark, but it's the reason why the trip to the video store was always a fun time. I mean, we didn't actually expect all our rentals to be as great as Evil Dead II or Re-Animator. Taking a chance on a title like Cameron's Closet was part of the game.

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Jumpin' Jack Flash (1986)

"What, do you think there's a lot of work down on the pier for hookers? Do you think I'm giving blow jobs down there to goldfish?"

Terry Doolittle lives an unusual life for a black woman in an 80's film. She has her own apartment, she goes to her tech job in the bank everyday where she shoots the shit with her co-workers until it is time to clock out. She is smart, funny, and despite the lack of romance in her life, things seems pretty good. She is also great with computers, and in the 1986, that's the equivalent of being a wizard.

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Dressed to Kill (1980)

"Thank god, straight fucks are still in style!"

A blond, mature lady stands in the shower, caressing herself sensuously with a bar of soap as the hot water pours over her body. She smiles at her lover through the fogged up glass as he shaves by the sink. She runs her hands over her breasts, sinking them lower to her crotch, each plunge of her hand sending shivers of excitement through her. Suddenly, from the steam behind her, a hulking naked man appears. He grabs her, with one hand over her mouth, and the other roughly between her thighs. She tries to scream but can't, and blood starts to pour from her violated genitals...

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Prison (1988)

"Horror has a new home"

Renny Harlin seemed like the bright young hope for Hollywood in the late 80's. He had European-cool credibility but his sights were firmly set on American blockbuster films. After his first two lower budget American outings (which included the 4th instalment in The Nightmare on Elm Street series) were hits, he moved up the ladder and took hold of the sequel to possibly the biggest and most critically acclaimed action film of the 80's, Die Hard. That hit was followed up with the somewhat restrained Cliffhanger, another huge money maker for the time. Things were looking great; he could have been the next John McTiernan or Paul Verhoeven. Sadly, disaster struck in the form of Cutthroat Island, and was followed by several films that failed to do anything interesting, including The Long Kiss Goodnight, Deep Blue Sea and the truly horrible Exorcist prequel, The Exorcist: The Beginning. Looking at his CV it's easy to see that most films that bear his name feel fairly under baked, and his decline isn't really that surprising. So has he ever made a fully great film? Let's go back to the start and see with Prison.

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Hot Dog: The Movie (1984)

"I suppose a fuck is out of the question?"

Following in the tradition of "rowdy-underdogs-versus-the-snooty-establishment" laid out by such classics as Caddyshack and National Lampoons Animal House, Hot Dog - The Movie sets itself aside by going for the original enough idea of having the action take place at a ski resort.

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Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1973)

"I peed in my pants!"

I have a couple of films I like to watch around Halloween. Not always every year, but as often as I can. There are some obvious titles that many horror fans go to without fail; John Carpenters Halloween, The Exorcist, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, to name but a few. Those definitely qualify on my top ten horror films of all time, but they aren't the first films I turn to at this time of year. Nope, when the leaves are turning brown and the sound of fireworks grows steadily over the days, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things usually pops into my head.

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Spookies (1986)

"Uuuuuuhh, look at me: I'm Duke, the horny ghost!"

Sporting some of the finest video art that the 80's had to offer, it wasn't hard for Spookies to stick out on the shelves, promising mucho monster action and terror. However, when watching the film, you get the feeling that something rather peculiar is going on, but for some reason you can't figure out what it is. The monsters are there. The awful acting is there. The requisite creepy house is there. Even the death-like demon on the back cover is there, scythe and all. So why the hell is my brain so confused?

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Who's Harry Crumb? (1989)

"Not so fast. I've had my eye on you for a while, lady. I knew you were up to something, and here's my proof: it was you who was having an affair with your husband all along!"

After his daughter has been kidnapped from an exclusive health spa, millionaire P.J Downing (Barry Corbin; Critters 2, The People Across the Lake, Ghost Dad)  turns to his close family friend, Eliot Draisen ( Jeffrey Jones; Beetlejuice, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Easy Money) who happens to be the president of esteemed detective agency, Crumb and Crumb. Unfortunately for Downing, there is nothing esteemed about Harry Crumb (John Candy; Uncle Buck, Armed and Dangerous, Summer Rental), the oafish detective assigned to the case. Harry apparently comes from a long line of great detectives; sadly the genius gene seems to have skipped a generation. You see, Draisen himself is actually the one behind the kidnapping, and putting Harry on the case is only to cover his own ass, figuring he will never solve it anyway.

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Flowers in the Attic (1987)

"Look at us mother. How could you do this to us?"

I was never allowed rent Flowers in the Attic when I was a kid. My parents had either enough sense to have heard of the source material, or figured if I wanted to rent it that badly there must have been something really awful in it. I'm not sure what it was that even appealed to me about the video box. Maybe it was the unusual title, or, the fact that it 'shocked 40 million readers'. Or maybe I thought I was gonna see something nasty happen to a bunch of kids, which was usually enough to send me running. Whatever the reason was, the film slipped out of my memory until the last few months when I stumbled across the tape. Was it worth the 25 year wait?

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Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)

"Eat lead, froggies!"

You ever get the feeling that the film you are watching most likely started out as a porn script? The non-existent budget, the minimal sets and cast, sub par acting, the dodgy sex related plot...These are the factors that set the alarm bells off in your head. It all just seems so, well, porn-ish.

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The Slayer (1982)

"Is it a nightmare? Or is it..."

The 'Video Nasties' list that was put together by the DPP in 1983 is a very mixed bag of horror and exploitation films. As the initial idea was to have the distributors prosecuted and have the films banned, you kind of wonder if they did any actual research into what they took a disliking to, or if they just went on word of mouth and outrageous video covers. Some on the list, such as Cannibal Holocaust, The Beast in Heat and Fight For Your Life, were (and still are) fairly offensive films that push the boundaries of taste to the extreme, while others such as Tenebrae, Visiting Hours and Dead & Buried were films that happened to have a few seconds worth of latex gore that set the DPP foaming at the mouth. Only half of the list were successfully prosecuted, while the rest were re-submitted under the Video Recordings Act 1984 and were passed, though most suffered minor edits to explicit violence at some point.

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Clownhouse (1989)

"He knew they would find him. All of them. Their faces, like painted nightmares... Sure as anything real, they would find him. It was as if they were already a part of him. They would always know, where he was hiding..."

There is a whole generation of people my age who are terrified of clowns simply from watching films. We had a pretty good run of it in the late 80's, with Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988), Clownhouse (1989) and of course, the king of them all, It (1990). The latter especially was responsible for many sleepless nights and ruined underpants. But just what is it that makes a clown so downright creepy? Is it the freedom of the face paint that allows the performer invade the viewers comfort zone, and quite often, their personal space? Is it the natural revulsion we humans have to 'uncanny' closeness to our own features and movements? Or is it the fear that what is lurking under that smiling face paint is something other than a pleasant person?

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Over the Top (1987)

"I drive trucks, break arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best."

It's a given fact that arm wrasslin' is one of the manliest things you can do. It's true. Make a list of macho things that a tough dude can do with his life; bar brawlin', drinkin', truck drivin', arm wrasslin'. See? It fits right in there. It may be manly, but it is a strange sport to pick for an action film. At least with say, boxing, there is plenty of room within that ring to display intense fighting and nerve shredding drama; but you don't get the same level of gladiatorial majesty with two guys standing at a table holding hands. Cannon Group had the habit of making some very strange decisions in those days, which worked out great for fans of silly cinema. Not so much for Cannon, sadly.

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The Last American Virgin (1982)

"Come to me my big burrito!"

Released somewhere between Porkys and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Last American Virgin is probably the least remembered, or acclaimed, of the three. It was certainly a good summer for teen sex-comedies, with Zapped, Spring Fever and The Beach Girls also seeing a release that year. Sadly the majority of these films have all but slipped into obscurity at this point, as people tend to remember the John Hughes movies a bit more warmly than the likes of these horny teenager sleaze flicks. But still, The Last American Virgin clings on in the memories of those who have seen it, and for some pretty good reasons.

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Supergirl (1984)

"Such a pretty world. I can't wait until it's all mine"

Some films get saddled with a reputation so early on in their release that any hope of success is scuppered right away. Over inflated budgets, re-shoots and terrible scripts can all lead to dreadful advanced word-of-mouth and a box office fiasco.The 1980's had its fair share of disasters, with Heavens Gate kicking off the decade in spectacular fashion with a 44 million dollar flop. The George Lucas produced Howard the Duck wallowed in 35 million loses. Ishtar came in at a mind boggling 51 million, and barely made back Warren Beattys catering bill in box office receipts. 

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The Money Pit (1986)

"Ahh, home crap home!"

There's nothing quite like piling a whole ton of stress upon lovable characters and watching them fall apart for comedy value. All it took was a disasterous holiday to nearly smash up the Griswalds perfect relationship. A few days travelling home together for Thanksgiving to drive both Neal Page and Del Griffith to each others throats. The fun comes from seeing how far our fictional friends can be pushed before their limits of acceptance is reached and the gloves come off. Our empathy towards these characters is always strong; we don't really want to see them break up (or break each other up), as deep down the fears and anxieties that they have to go through are ones we will probably all have to deal with in real life, minus the hilarious consequences of course. Who hasn't had a holiday go pear shaped? Who hasn't had a lengthy trip home meet serious delays and frustration?

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The Kindred (1987)

"Some things are best left unborn"

Science and chemistry sets were all the rage when I was growing up. I remember the adverts on television and in toy magazines; kids with protective eye goggles and white coats on, moody lighting, the possibility of ground breaking discoveries just mere test tubes away... Me? I fancied myself as more the mad scientist type. What could be concocted with all these dangerous materials? Mutant monsters? An evil twin brother, perhaps? In the end I was lucky if I got some vinegar to fizz up with baking soda, but I blame the kit, not my lack of ability or imagination.

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Saturday the 14th (1981)

"When I get that book, I will rule the world! Think of it - famine! War! Death!"

Saturday the 14th and its sequel - Saturday the 14th Strikes Back - were always sat on the dustiest, darkest part of the video shop shelf. No doubt the film did enough business on its initial release (especially to warrant a sequel) but by the time I was stalking the aisles they probably hadn't been touched, let alone rented, in years. Still, what could be more appealling than that video cover to a ten year old? Well, a ten year old like me, I guess. It has everything you could want; Terror! Monsters! Artist interpretations of what the film is about! And hey, promises of an outrageous horror-comedy spoof!

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Missing in Action (1984)

I've never been much of a fan of Chuck Norris. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe that hair-and-beard combo reminded me of someones uncle trying to look cool. Maybe his acting reminded me of a fence post with muscled arms stuck to it. I'm not sure. Compared to other 80's action stars, he lacked the near cartoon physique of Sly Stallone or Arnie, and he certainly didn't have half the charm of Mel Gibson or Harrison Ford. He did have a few things going for him, though. Number one, that hair-and-beard combo. If you are watching one of his films and somebody walks into the room, it's a guarantee that they'll laugh when they see him. It's iconic, and is as identifiable as the Groucho Marx 'eyebrow, glasses and moustache' look, and makes up for his lack of acting ability and charisma. Number two, the man could seriously kick ass. Being a karate world champion should definitely be a requirement for all action stars.

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The Ice Pirates (1984)

"I hope no one minds, but I have no intention of facing this sober"

Star Wars has a lot to answer for, with the glut of less-than-spectacular sci-fi films that followed it in the late 70's through to the mid 80's. With George Lucas' surprise hit, suddenly the space adventure was the biggest cash vehicle again, and studios quickly grasped at whatever scripts they could get their hands on. It was bad news for fans of serious science fiction, but the best news possible for those of us young enough to get maximum enjoyment from the wave of knock offs and wannabes. Derivative plots and themes? Who cares, just make with the laser fights and warp tunnels already!

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