Saturday the 14th (1981)

"When I get that book, I will rule the world! Think of it - famine! War! Death!"

Saturday the 14th and its sequel - Saturday the 14th Strikes Back - were always sat on the dustiest, darkest part of the video shop shelf. No doubt the film did enough business on its initial release (especially to warrant a sequel) but by the time I was stalking the aisles they probably hadn't been touched, let alone rented, in years. Still, what could be more appealling than that video cover to a ten year old? Well, a ten year old like me, I guess. It has everything you could want; Terror! Monsters! Artist interpretations of what the film is about! And hey, promises of an outrageous horror-comedy spoof!

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Missing in Action (1984)

I've never been much of a fan of Chuck Norris. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe that hair-and-beard combo reminded me of someones uncle trying to look cool. Maybe his acting reminded me of a fence post with muscled arms stuck to it. I'm not sure. Compared to other 80's action stars, he lacked the near cartoon physique of Sly Stallone or Arnie, and he certainly didn't have half the charm of Mel Gibson or Harrison Ford. He did have a few things going for him, though. Number one, that hair-and-beard combo. If you are watching one of his films and somebody walks into the room, it's a guarantee that they'll laugh when they see him. It's iconic, and is as identifiable as the Groucho Marx 'eyebrow, glasses and moustache' look, and makes up for his lack of acting ability and charisma. Number two, the man could seriously kick ass. Being a karate world champion should definitely be a requirement for all action stars.

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The Ice Pirates (1984)

"I hope no one minds, but I have no intention of facing this sober"

Star Wars has a lot to answer for, with the glut of less-than-spectacular sci-fi films that followed it in the late 70's through to the mid 80's. With George Lucas' surprise hit, suddenly the space adventure was the biggest cash vehicle again, and studios quickly grasped at whatever scripts they could get their hands on. It was bad news for fans of serious science fiction, but the best news possible for those of us young enough to get maximum enjoyment from the wave of knock offs and wannabes. Derivative plots and themes? Who cares, just make with the laser fights and warp tunnels already!

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Three O'Clock High (1987)

"You and me, we're gonna have a fight. Today. After school. Three o'clock. In the parking lot. You try and run, I'm gonna track you down. You go to a teacher, it's only gonna get worse. You sneak home, I'm gonna be under your bed."

Jerry Mitchell is not having a good day. He's late out of bed, he has to dry his clean shirt in the microwave, his car has a flat tyre, he makes a fool of himself in front of the school hot chick... oh yeah, and he has managed to piss off the schools new psycho; and all before 9 A.M. Buddy Revell has just been transferred to the school ahead of some wild rumours regarding how many kids and teachers he put in comas at his previous residence. It doesn't take much to set Buddy off; apparently he has 'touching' issues, and especially doesn't like being talked to whilst standing at a urinal, all of which Jerry finds out the hard way.

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Just One of the Guys (1985)

   

 "It's OK, everybody, it's all right. He has tits."

When it comes to 1980's teen comedies, the battle of the sexes rarely gets beyond the Porkys level of sophistication. Not as if that's a bad thing; guys getting their weiners grabbed through peepholes in the girls showers happens to be hilarious. But it's a pleasant surprise to see that Just One of the Guys does something a little different with its premise, without sacrificing the comedy and boob jokes.

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