The Delta Force (1986)

"They don't negotiate with terrorists... they blow them away!"

I spent a while discussing my lack of interest in Chuck Norris last year, when I watched Missing in Action and was less than enamoured with it. It wasn't just that film, I just hadn't really watched him in anything that made me understand why he was popular. Not to be put off by this, I decided it was time to give another one of his much-loved films a shot. Does The Delta Force hold up any better than Missing in Action?

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Six Pack (1982)

"Kick his ass, Brewster! Don't take that shit from this fungus faced toad sucker!"

Recovering from a car crash that almost put him off the road permanently, rugged, bearded, Brewster Baker (Kenny Rogers; Kenny Rogers as The Gambler) sets out on the trail of a comeback, taking him on the road towards the the racing circuit and back into the spotlight after his dramatic drop out. Unfortunately for him, he stops off in a small, hicksville town and has a bunch of parts stolen from his car strapped to the back of his motor home. Only a short time later, he catches the same van ripping off what's left of his vehicle, which he takes off after in his motor home. He manages to run the culprits off the road and makes a startling discovery: the criminals are a bunch of kids.

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Swamp Thing (1982)

"Oh shit. Here comes trouble."

Of all the big, heavy-hitter names in the legacy of modern horror, none have had such a wildly varied series of highs and lows as Wes Craven. George Romero was consistently great for a long time, but after his candle burned out in the early 90's, he only had a brief comeback with Land and Diary of the Dead before vanishing once again. Tobe Hooper never really found his feel again after The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and despite making several entertaining, big-budget films such as Poltergeist and Lifeforce, his name is essentially mud to horror fans these days. Craven though, has been quite lucky throughout the last 4 decades. Despite making one of the most notorious films of the 70's with Last House on the Left, by the early 80's his projects were getting smaller, cheaper and honestly, pretty terrible. He managed to turn the horror genre on it's head in 1984 with A Nightmare on Elm Street pulling him out of the doldrums, a feat he managed to do once again in the mid-90's with the Scream franchise. He has managed to stay floating to this day, with plenty of projects on the go, and many titles in his catalogue now considered 'classics'. But what about those that fell between the hits?

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Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)

"Eat lead, froggies!"

You ever get the feeling that the film you are watching most likely started out as a porn script? The non-existent budget, the minimal sets and cast, sub par acting, the dodgy sex related plot...These are the factors that set the alarm bells off in your head. It all just seems so, well, porn-ish.

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No Holds Barred (1989)

"I WON'T be around when this check clears! "

Changing careers in entertainment can be tough; some stars have enough natural talent and charisma to go from being an actor to a singer, or vice versa. Others try and broaden their horizons, only to be met with scorn and ridicule. Many for good reasons. For every Will Smith or Mark Whalberg success story there is a Madonna or Paris Hilton lurking in the shadows. Quite a few wrestlers have attempted the cross over in the last couple of decades, all with varying degrees of low to mid-level success. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson doesn't seem to be going anywhere at this stage, and even Rowdy Roddy Piper is still getting regular film and TV work. It makes sense in a weird Hollywood way; sure they are big muscled guys who get beaten up in the ring every week, they perform as characters (acting, right?), they are popular and recognisable around the world... surely a transition to the big screen couldn't be that hard?

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Over the Top (1987)

"I drive trucks, break arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best."

It's a given fact that arm wrasslin' is one of the manliest things you can do. It's true. Make a list of macho things that a tough dude can do with his life; bar brawlin', drinkin', truck drivin', arm wrasslin'. See? It fits right in there. It may be manly, but it is a strange sport to pick for an action film. At least with say, boxing, there is plenty of room within that ring to display intense fighting and nerve shredding drama; but you don't get the same level of gladiatorial majesty with two guys standing at a table holding hands. Cannon Group had the habit of making some very strange decisions in those days, which worked out great for fans of silly cinema. Not so much for Cannon, sadly.

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Missing in Action (1984)

I've never been much of a fan of Chuck Norris. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe that hair-and-beard combo reminded me of someones uncle trying to look cool. Maybe his acting reminded me of a fence post with muscled arms stuck to it. I'm not sure. Compared to other 80's action stars, he lacked the near cartoon physique of Sly Stallone or Arnie, and he certainly didn't have half the charm of Mel Gibson or Harrison Ford. He did have a few things going for him, though. Number one, that hair-and-beard combo. If you are watching one of his films and somebody walks into the room, it's a guarantee that they'll laugh when they see him. It's iconic, and is as identifiable as the Groucho Marx 'eyebrow, glasses and moustache' look, and makes up for his lack of acting ability and charisma. Number two, the man could seriously kick ass. Being a karate world champion should definitely be a requirement for all action stars.

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The Ice Pirates (1984)

"I hope no one minds, but I have no intention of facing this sober"

Star Wars has a lot to answer for, with the glut of less-than-spectacular sci-fi films that followed it in the late 70's through to the mid 80's. With George Lucas' surprise hit, suddenly the space adventure was the biggest cash vehicle again, and studios quickly grasped at whatever scripts they could get their hands on. It was bad news for fans of serious science fiction, but the best news possible for those of us young enough to get maximum enjoyment from the wave of knock offs and wannabes. Derivative plots and themes? Who cares, just make with the laser fights and warp tunnels already!

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Cloak and Dagger (1984)

"Jack Flack always escapes"

When we were kids, the world really was our playground. Even walking to the shops with your mam could have been an adventure. Rotted old sticks became swords in our hands, cars became monsters to be slayed, roads became treacherous rivers to be crossed. Sadly, most of us grow out of the ability to totally immerse ourselves in our own creations. Well, maybe not all of us. Take the likes of 'Dungeons and Dragons'. You create your own fantasy character; a role of the dice is the difference between left and right or alive and dead, and is all played out on a fairly plain board with only your 'Dungeon Master' to keep everything in check. It seems to be hugely popular, and is played by children and adults alike. I've never played it, but I always felt it would take a lot more mental capacity than I was willing to hand over to fully benefit from the game. It was also confusing looking. I was more of a 'Mouse Trap' kinda guy...

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Days of Wonder

It was the Saturday morning routine. We would go with our mother to the local shopping centre to visit the library; dropping off old books and picking out a few new ones for the week ahead. With our intellectual needs met, my brother and I got left in the video store whilst mam went grocery shopping. It was one of the few places we were ever allowed be on our own. That usually gave us a good 45 minutes to gaze at the seemingly endless walls of glorious VHS tapes. 45 minutes never seemed like long enough, though. Especially as Saturday was the one night of the week that our folks went out, meaning we had to pick out not one, but two videos to keep us entertained for the late afternoon and evening. The poor babysitter.

The 80's was an interesting decade for young, aspiring film buffs, especially if you were under the age of 12. As we had no access to film reviews, you had three ways of finding out what to rent. One; word of mouth from your school friends. This was always a fairly reliable source; we were all action and comedy junkies, whatever had the most explosions/killings/laughs got a guaranteed rental. Two; the trailers you saw on last weeks videotape. (remember when you actually enjoyed watching the trailers before your film started?) The more trailers before the film, the better. And three; by relying on the box art to sell the film to you. The latter was probably the most common method for sleuthing out our evenings viewing.  The wilder and more imaginative the artwork, the more likely you were to pick the film up. Having an major star like Steve Martin in the film was only an added bonus. And being a curious 9 year old, it was no surprise I was drawn to the more lurid looking teenage comedy and horror boxes. Who could resist the charms of such beauty?

Sadly for me, my mother was quite well aware of what was contained within these tapes. Sometimes she slipped up and we got through a 15 Cert if it didn't look too tawdry. Or sometimes we lucked out completely and my clueless father brought us to the video store instead, resulting in a copy of Aliens or something as equally unsuitable coming home with us. But even if we couldn't always get the ones we wanted, the artwork always stuck in my head, landing somewhere on that invisible list of films that I would continuously go back to when I was a bit older and allowed rent whatever I wanted. Those hours spent in front of the video shelves turned me into the horror junkie I was to eventually become in my early teens, as they were the most taboo ones for my folks to allow us to rent. Saying that though, I probably had enough nightmares as it was with the fantasy films I was watching; they REALLY don't make them like they used to. Kids have it too easy these days.

Horror and comedy tapes became a great past time for me and some of my friends in the early 90's. We had our own (limited) cash, so we were able to rent 2 or 3 tapes in the one night if we wanted to. It was during the peak of Xtra Vision and the death of the independent video store, but to us, it meant 50p for an old rental! Somehow, all the oldies we had wanted to see were still there on the shelves, though some were moving dangerously close to the bargain bin. Some of those films never left the bargain bin, and have sadly never made it to DVD.

These days, you walk into a video store and you are lucky to be able to find any films to rent. Xtra Vision, Chartbuster, and Blockbuster have shrunk away due to the rise in downloading and online streaming. Those that remain deal mainly in current releases, video game rental and mobile phone sales. If I want a film review, I just go online. There are hundreds of free access websites for reviews and previews, without having to go anywhere to stare at the boxes. Not that you would want to anyway; the art of film poster design is as dead as VHS itself.

But hey, times have changed, and in many ways, for the better. We no longer watch our entertainment on 21" screens. Digital technology is affordable, meaning I can pick up copies of Porkys II or Return of the Living Dead, in the proper aspect ratio, fully remastered, sometimes with 5.1 surround sound (!!!) for only a few quid. I would definitely take that over pan-and-scan with poor tracking any day. I guess what I miss most is that element of wonder. That childhood excitement about seeing a film. I still get it when I'm reminded of an old VHS cover, or that rare moment when you see Chevy Chase pop up on TV.

I look forward to re-living some of those moments on this blog. Feel free to stop and stare at the boxes; take as long as you need. Old releases are only 50p for two nights. Just make sure you bring them back on time or you will be fined. And always, ALWAYS, rewind your damned videotapes.