The Ice Pirates (1984)

"I hope no one minds, but I have no intention of facing this sober"

Star Wars has a lot to answer for, with the glut of less-than-spectacular sci-fi films that followed it in the late 70's through to the mid 80's. With George Lucas' surprise hit, suddenly the space adventure was the biggest cash vehicle again, and studios quickly grasped at whatever scripts they could get their hands on. It was bad news for fans of serious science fiction, but the best news possible for those of us young enough to get maximum enjoyment from the wave of knock offs and wannabes. Derivative plots and themes? Who cares, just make with the laser fights and warp tunnels already!

A long time ago, in a galaxy, far far away, the most precious commodity is water. Due to interplanetary wars there is little left, and 'Evil Templars' from the planet Mithra now control it. Jason (Robert Ulrich, Turk 182!, Lonesome Dove ) is the leader of a group of swashbuckling ice pirates who raid a cargo ship transporting mined ice. It also happens to have a sleeping beauty on board; Princess Karina (Mary Crosby). Despite their best attempts to escape, they get captured and imprisoned, scheduled for the standard punishment for such a crime: castration! Rescued from the literal chopping block at the last moment by the Princess Karina, they get enlisted on a dangerous mission to find her father who just might happen to know the whereabouts of the mythical 7th Planet that has enough water for everyone.

Despite the semi serious plot on paper, the film does its best not to take itself seriously. Right from the start the script is jam-packed full of tongue-in-cheek jokes and references. In fact, the whole film seems to be completely stuffed with an overload of gags and action, meaning the pacing is pretty hectic throughout. This is fine though, as it keeps the movie rattling along with nary a chance to get bored. The humour is a mixed bag of crude fart jokes (an alien taking a shit on the toilet in the opening scene) through to some fairly adult innuendos that probably went over the heads of the kids watching it.  When Jason finds the sleeping princess, what does he do? Tries to look down her top at her boobs, of course! ("What ever happened to, 'we rape, we pillage?"). There are also several racist jokes thrown casually around that will more than likely make you laugh than offend you. ("I think we should take the black one. He'll go very well with the wallpaper"). Mix all of that together with Space Herpes, horny toad aliens, some good ole space violence, some good ole space sex (yup, a fully blown sex scene towards the end) and you get a film that will make you scratch your head at the PG rating.

The pirates themselves are a likable bunch, made up of some very recognisable faces. Ron Perlman (The Quest for Fire, In the Name of the Rose) is his usual rowdy but charming self, and Anjelica Huston (The Postman Always Rings Twice, Prizzi's Honor) sticks out as the female kick ass warrior. Both look very young and fresh faced. Micheal D. Roberts (Rain Man) is great in his comedy scenes, and probably deserved to go on to bigger roles for himself. John Matuszak (best known as Sloth from The Goonies) is the lovable Killjoy, who really livens up the moments he is on screen. The two leads do a fine job, with Robert Ulrich displaying a great flair for comedy. John Carradine (The Howling, The Monster Club) is memorable as the evil Supreme Commander.

Director Stewart Raffill does an ok job at the action scenes, but the humour seems to suit him better. The action suffers a tad (and probably not his fault) due to the incredibly clunky looking robots that the heroes have to battle; these things are bulky suits that just seem to jam up the screen whenever they appear. In fact, I can't think of a film that has as many crummy robots in it as The Ice Pirates. From Robot Ninja Warriors, Robot Pimps, to Robot Garbage Disposal units, the film is packed full of them. Other action scenes not involving robot fights look quite good, actually, and the special effects do the job. Director Raffill went on to do Mac and Me, and Mannequin On The Move.

However, the film does fall apart in the last section on the journey to the 7th planet. I won't post too many spoilers, but they attempt to do something with the climax that will leave you scratching your head as to how bad it works on screen. It lacks any tension that a climatic battle should have; this may have been intentional as they get fairly spoofy, but it just doesn't work as well as it could have. It ultimately means the film is a bit of a let down when it should be ending on a high note, and will probably leave you feeling a bit 'meh', towards it. Don't let that put you completely off, though. Despite the last 20 minutes or so, I think the film has enough going for it to warrant your attention, and the humour will keep many of you happy. A worthy entry into the 'Star Wars Knock-Off' file.